I woke up this morning and remembered that I took today off. Thank god, I thought to myself, as I rolled out of bed and staggered into the kitchen. No hangover today, just the morning grogginess that fills your head from time to time. I’m trying to jumpstart my equilibrium but it’s not first on my to-do list, so I forfeit the effort. What little brain cells are conscious at this hour are used to pour a cup of my already brewed coffee. I take the short walk into the living room; moving no faster than an old fuck in a grocery store, I sit in my easy chair and turn on the idiot box so I can watch my CBS Sunday morning news program. To this day I can’t understand what attracts me to that damn program, some of the segments and interviews are mildly intriguing. But their antiquated dialogue that the reporters engage in gives me a headache. I shut the idiot box off and head outside with my coffee, grabbing my cigarettes on the way.
Western Massachusetts finally hit 50 degrees today and I’m outside on my porch with my camels and coffee watching all the crazies drive by. I noticed a man driving around the corner about to pass my house. He drives down the middle of the road with his sunglasses in his mouth while texting on his cell phone. As I’m watching this asshole drive by, I sip my coffee and take a drag of my Camel, “Thank Christ I have today off”, I say out loud in a soft voice. I see two women walking past my house talking about something. They both have on exercise attire [spandex pants, tee-shirts to tight for them to be wearing, jogging shoes and of course they both have an IPOD and the ear buds to match] As they walked past my house (via the side of the road obstructing traffic), I went over to the lawn chair that I keep on my porch, I sat and slumped down in the chair as far as I could go without anyone thinking anything of it, I didn’t want these two health nuts to see me smoking and drinking coffee, because if they did, one of three things would happen; they might want to small talk with me, bitch at me for smoking or ignore me and continue walking. Of course, I would prefer the latter, but the odds are against me on this one. It’s a beautiful morning and these two want to take advantage of it, so I like to believe that (in a simultaneous fashion) they are out searching for people to annoy and looking for other health nuts to converse with. Lucky for me the two health nuts were busy chatting with one another to even notice me, I overheard one of them pissing and moaning about some guy named Bob, and how Bob needs to act like a man and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH……I couldn’t be less interested, all I could think of at that moment was Bob has got to learn how to eat a woman properly, that might quiet her down for a while after, although I doubt it.
I flick my cig into the street in front of my porch, grabbed my coffee mug and almost escaped back in to my apartment when all of a sudden my upstairs neighbor came down from his side of the porch. I know when it’s him because he always talks (loudly) to himself and when he walks it sounds like he has a cinderblock on each foot. BANG, BANG, BANG…Every time he walks it rattles the ground beneath him; in this case he was stomping down the stairs on his side of the duplex. He finally reaches the bottom and pokes his head out the door.
“Hey Ross, how’s the weather out there?” he asks
Any dumbass would know the answer to the “weather question” just by poking their heads out the door.
“Its pretty good, nice day coming up” I said
“I guess last night a guy up the street got arrested, I heard it on my scanner”
“O yeah?”
“I guess it was drugs or something. You know last night I went to the bar and man!, there were all these nice looking young girls dancing and drinking, I tried to take one home but she said she was busy and she told me maybe next time she’ll come over, but anyway I’m looking for a new job because the other two jobs I have aren’t working out and the pay sucks and………”
He kept talking and wouldn’t shut-up. It occurred to me that I would rather small-talk with those two health nuts then listen to my neighbor’s diarrhea mouth, especially at this hour of the day.
While he was still blabbing away I interrupted him.
“Ok Stew, I got to get back inside and start doing some work” I said
“Are you working today?
“Nope, got the whole day off, I got to go do some cleaning around the apartment” I replied
“Good for you, I have to work at 3 o’clock, down the street, I guess they need me to work overtime and since I need the extra cash I suppose it’s a good idea, huh? I don’t think I have a day off……”
The moron continued to talk and while he was doing so I went back in and locked the door behind me. Fuck him, I said to myself, as I went back into the kitchen to pour another cup of coffee, only this time I put some Kahlua in. I must have put more liquor in the cup than coffee, because the next thing I knew, I passed out on the couch.
Later on I awoke to a loud knock at my front door. I must have been passed out on the couch for hours. When I awoke it was much later in the day, somewhere around 6pm. Even though it was warm outside I was completely wrapped up in a warm thick blanket and had no interest to move for anything. The knocking continued and I remained tranquil, finally I heard loud footsteps walking away from my front door, I knew it must have been my upstairs neighbor (Stew), nobody else I knew saunters that loudly, it’s almost like he can’t pick up his feet and walk correctly, something that is highly annoying when he strolls around upstairs in his apartment, sometimes when he comes home drunk and I’m trying to sleep I’ll yell and swear from my bed but it never seems to make any difference, he still walks like a oaf. I finally got off the couch so I could put some music on, then I went outside for a cigarette in hopes Stew would be long gone so I wouldn’t have to “small-talk” again. I really hate that shit! I never have anything to say to anybody and I’m never interested in what anyone has to say to me. I’m standing on my porch leaning against the railing that leads down the four steps onto the walkway, I’m staring aimlessly at the drive way, “what a muddy slab of shit that driveway is today” I said, while I’m enjoying my cig some putts walk up to the steps
“Hey dude, by any chance can I bum a cancer stick?” he said
“No problem”
I reached into my leather jacket and grabbed the half empty box of camels, I was careful not to expose how many cigarettes I had left, I needed these to last me until the end of tonight and I didn’t want this guy asking for more then one.
“Here ya go man”
“Thanks, gotta love this weather, huh?” he said
“I guess so, I hope it lasts”
I hate talking about the weather. It has to be the most boring widely known topic of conversation that exists. I hope this guy walks away soon, I think to myself. “Thanks man” he says, and I head into the house hoping that no one bothers me again today.
Just then, my cell phone started to ring. I looked at caller ID to discover that it was my girlfriend Julie. She’s not actually my girlfriend, just a girl who annoys me from time to time. Sometimes when her and I get drunk we tend to fool around a bit, she has a wonderful pair of tits, although Julie is a bit on the chunky side, (maybe around 160 pounds and stands at 5 foot 5) for the most part she looks sexy. All I know is I can’t give her a massage without gaining a hard-on in the process, so she must be doing something right. I answer the phone on the forth ring.
“Hello Julie” I said
“How’d you know it was me?”
“Caller ID, most phones have them these days, what’s going on?”
“OK smart ass, what are you doing? I haven’t heard from you all day”
“I’m just fucking around the house, nothing special”
“Its 6 o’clock, you’ve been fucking around all day?”
“YES!”
I can’t stand being questioned from anyone, especially from Julie. She has a somewhat high pitched voice, almost what most girls under 40 possess. I guess you could call it a mild valley-girl tone, very annoying.
“Soooooo….are we doing anything tonight?” she says
“Probably, you want to come over and watch some movies?”
“No Ross, I want to go out tonight and do something, maybe dinner and dancing”
“Dancing on a Sunday? That’s not going to happen, not to mention I’m not gay!”
“What does GAY have to do with it?”
“Men who dance are fags, I don’t care what they look like, it’s not for me” I said
“Jesus Christ! Let’s just hook up and go from there, OK?”
“Alright, I’ll get some clothes on”
“You’re not fucking dressed yet? HAHAHAHA, I don’t know about you” she said
“Bye”
I feel like I’m married, only with more sex. Julie lived a few miles away so I had time to take a quick shower and get dressed. I turned off the coffee that has been burning since 6 this morning, grabbed my jeans and put on my TOOL shirt just in time for Julie to knock on my door. I opened and Julie came in, kissed my cheek in passing and headed into the living room.
“Nice to see you darlin’” I said
“I missed you”
“Didn’t we see each other last night?”
“Yeah, but I still missed you”
“Well maybe tonight you can stay over?”
“That depends, are we going dancing?”
“No goddamn way!”
“Well……then NO”
“What the hell! You won’t sleep with me again unless we go dancing?”
“I’m kidding, I’ll think about it
Maybe there won’t be any sex if this keeps up. Julie is a 23 year old college student, she wants to be a veterinarian when she finally grows up and in the meantime she works at a local vet clinic doing odd jobs for the head animal fondler. I’m guessing it has something to do with cleaning up dog shit and dealing with all those crazy moronic animal lovers. Julie removed her coat and was sporting a tight KISS shirt that gracefully accentuated her breasts. I was too lackadaisical to pretend I wasn’t interested in them.
“I take it you like my shirt” she said
“The shirt is fine”
She started walking closer to me until her face was about an inch from mine, her body pressing against me, breasts first. In a soft sensual voice…..
“Maybe if you take me dancing I might take off the shirt” she said while giggling.
“I’ll meet you half way with this, I’ll take you out but I’m not dancing”
“How is that half way?”
“I don’t….know, let’s just see what happens?”
“FINE”
She put her coat back on and we walked out the door and got into her Saturn. We drove south on the highway doing 90, Julie and her fucking lead foot was going to get us killed one of these days. I wasn’t planning on leaving the house today nor was I prepared to deal with people on my day off and It was not an experience that I was looking forward to today, particularly the dancing part. Nothing good ever comes from me going to a place where a bunch of idiots dance around to shitty music trying to flirt with the sex of their choice. I end up sitting at the bar talking to myself all night hoping that no one notices that I’m sitting alone. It doesn’t bother me so long as the local skanks keep away while I’m trying to drink. We got off the highway and headed into a town called Otter. We pulled into the parking lot adjacent to this two-story crumbling brick building.
“Here we are” She said, as I looked up at the marquee, the name of the club was called “Unisex Incorporated”. I knew then that this was a bad fucking mistake.
